How To Stop A Breakup From Ruining Your Life

Breakups are often messy, painful and draining. So much so that it is quite common to sink into a form of depression or even go the full distance and actually get depressed. If this has happened or is happening to you, it is perfectly normal to feel like this. Ending a relationship often triggers the four stages of grief or what is commonly referred to as the Kubler-Ross model. In her book, “On Death and Dying” she says that most human beings go through five stages as a reaction to death or tragedy; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

So don’t think you are weak as you experience this roller coaster of emotions, you are simply human.

That said, life must go on even after a break up. After all, you cant quit your job and become a hermit. You must carry on. This article will give you the tools you need to concentrate on your work and social life and eventually heal from your broken heart.

First you need to seek out a support system. This could be a friend, a minister, a therapist or a counselor. What this will do is give you an avenue to vent. Talking about things is a great way to get closure on a matter.

Find someone who will validate you, support you and encourage you. Find a person who will remind you that you are beautiful and valuable you are.

A person or persons who will remind you that your worth is in no way diminished by the exit of your partner. At this juncture, spirituality may also prove to be very useful. Talk to God, have faith and pour your heart to him. Doing this will bring you a measure of peace.

Second, you will need to stop reminding yourself that you are experiencing a break up. Avoid sad love songs and clinging to those things that remind you of your partner.

For your social life to go on, you need to avoid those places that you frequented together. There is every likelihood that you could meet him/her there with their new flame.

You need to fight the urge to call him/her or text him endlessly. One recommended way is to delete his number or even buy a new phone. If you had memorized his number, put your phone in a really in accessible place so that every time you are tempted to get in touch, the thought of the accompanying hassle will stop you.

Thirdly, pursue closure. This should be done after you have given each other some space and the initial intense feelings are gone. Find a way to ask what went wrong. Do this without seeming needy. If a conversation with your ex is out of the question, simulate one. Write an email to yourself enumerating everything that went wrong. Be honest with yourself, write everything that was wrong with the relationship and purpose to move on.

Where your job is concerned, this would be the time to challenge yourself and take on more responsibility. Accept assignments out of town, work longer hours and give your job the attention you would have been giving your partner. This sort of replacement will give you an opportunity to get away from it all and will force your mind to focus on other issues instead of dwelling on the break up. In addition, dedicating time to your job is very likely to earn you a promotion.

Yet another way to concentrate on your job and even progress in it is to go back to school. Get a degree or a master’s degree. Enrolling will keep you busy and ensure your mind is not left to wander. Better qualifications will eventually lead to better terms of employment. Excelling in his area could also serve as a powerful morale booster which will do you good. Enrolling for a class is also a great way to socialize. This is because you will get to meet quite a number of people and make new friends.

There is no guarantee that the pain will abate in a day. Healing is a process that requires time and effort. Ensure you do the work. I wish you all the best in your endeavors.

 

REFERENCES

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969) On Death and Dying

Chuck Spezzano, PhD. (2001) Heal Your Heartbreak: How to Live and Love Again .

What To Do When You Feel Like Hiding Under the Duvet & Never Coming up Again?

You’ve recently had a breakup and now you are seeking solace in your bed. And even though you are in bed all day, your sleeping habits are all over the place, you are either sleeping all the time or finding it hard to sleep at all.  You feel tired all the time and your drive to do anything at all has completely left you.

Its tough, You know that is best for you to get up, get out, and get active but you just can’t make it happen. Its a bad place to be the early stages of mild to moderate depression if you let it go on for too long.

I can tell you, from personal experience and from listening to other’s experiences, that staying under the cover is very dangerous. It  gives your mind the time to wonder into some really dark territory.   You can convince yourself that you are completely alone and that no one cares about you. In a matter of days you can completely lose your self esteem and self confidence. Changing this mood seems an insurmountable task.  It isn’t but it sure does feel like it.

It is human nature, though, to want to reach out to others, to want to connect.  It must be, otherwise you would not be under the covers because of a breakup.

Its the loneliness and sadness after a breakup that drives us to want to isolate ourselves from the world. No one, nothing is worth our energy anymore.

But you have to fight these feelings.

After some time in the bed, on the couch, or at the kitchen table alone there will come a time when you want to call someone, When that time comes the thought that no one wants to listen to your sad story may soon follow.  Don’t listen.  Pick up the phone.  Call someone, anyone, well anyone EXCEPT your ex.

If someone needs to come over just to get under the covers with you, to hold onto you while you cry, call them.  More than likely they won’t leave until they get you out of bed. Tell them how you feel, get it all out. Let them be there for you, let them tell you its going to be ok. Let yourself feel better for doing that. Trust me you will feel better. Now, you are on you way.

Now while you are feeling a little better. The first thing you need to do is take a shower.  You are probably a little ripe by now.  There’s nothing that feels as good as fresh clean washed hair.  A shower will freshen you up and give you some energy.

Next, fix and eat a healthy meal and drink some water.  You need to nourish your body and your brain.  A nourished brain can think more clearly.

Once you have gotten used to getting up, showered, dressed and fed, schedule five minutes a day for self affirmation.  Remind yourself of your value, your contributions, your goals, how there are still things in your life still living for.

Know that you are grieving.  You have experienced a real loss and it’s ok to hide under the covers.  Just be careful that it is not too long.  When you lose a relationship, you lose your routine as well as a great many other things.  People do like routine.  When yours is turned on its ear you want to rectify it.  You don’t, however, want your new routine to be sadness and lack of motivation.

Give yourself a time limit as to how long you are going to stay under there.  Call someone to let them know how long your limit is so that they can come rouse you when you want to extend it.  Talk through your feelings, take a walk, take a bath, and create a new routine.  It may be helpful to get up each morning and write out the routine for that day until things begin to feel normal again.  And then slowly but surely one day at a time it will feel normal again.

 

Reference

See http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dealing-with-depression/MY01774

 

Elliott, Susan J., MEd (2009). Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened To You. Da Capo Press. Cambridge..

How not to Hate Yourself After A Breakup?

How to not hate yourself after your break-up

A break-up can be very traumatic especially if you are those types of individuals who tend to take on the burden of guilt and start hating yourself. To hate yourself after a break-up is nothing but self-harm that you do in reaction to the situation you are not able to handle. What should you do so that you do not hate yourself after your break-up?

Love yourself

The foremost aspect which will help you in your efforts to not hate yourself is to love yourself. We as individuals are so engrossed in finding love outside, in loving others that we forget to love our own selves. You should always remember this fact that you have to first love yourself before being loved. If you can develop the habit of loving yourself (having strong self esteem)- you will free yourself from the shackles of being needy of affirmation from others and no peoples negative or critical opinion of you will ever have the power to derail you from feeling good about yourself ever again.

With a bit of persistence loving your own self is an art that can be learnt easily with a little effort & practice. Regularly stand in front of a mirror and look at your image with self appreciation. Acknowledge and admire good things about yourself; you so loving and caring, you keep yourself neat and clean; there are many things in you which you can love yourself for. Remember all the positive things in yourself regularly and you will gradually forget the hatred you have developed after a break-up.

Take care of yourself

Usually after a break-up you are so shattered emotionally, that you even forget to take care of yourself. You do not eat properly, do not groom yourself, do no exercise; you lose the discipline in your life. Taking care of your body becomes more important after a broken relationship; it helps to maintain your confidence, your self esteem. If you find hard to follow an exercise regimen, it is advisable to enroll in a group yoga or aerobics class. Exercise in itself is therapeutic and if you feel good about your body, a feeling of self admiration automatically develops in you.

Keep yourself surrounded by positive people

Your own behavior towards your own self is very much dependent on the behavior of individuals that surround you. It is extremely important to be with people who love you and care for you. It is advisable to move with your family during this phase of life. Surround yourself with friends who admire you for what you are. Family members and friends are a great support system who will help you in not hating and blaming yourself after your break-up.

Think positive and accept the reality

The reason why you start hating yourself after a break-up is that you are not able to accept the fact that your ex is no longer with you. You obsess on the reasons for the break-up and when no answers are found, you blame yourself for everything. You should understand that you are not the only person in this world who has to go through this phase of life. Failure of a relationship does not mean that you are not worthy. It is similar to failure in any aspect of life such as academics, business etc. Just give it some time to heal. You have to be patient for it to heal. This break-up was destined to happen. Moreover, everything that happens is for some good reason, even though the reasons may be very clear initially.

Self hatred is the last thing you should do after a break-up as it can be self destructive and will hinder in the normal grieving process..