Will I Ever Get Over Them?

The times after a break up are very difficult to deal with. Getting to terms with the new reality that the person to whom you devoted your whole life to will no longer be there with you is not at all easy. Therefore I will not pretend that it is an easy journey but having been a life coach for quite some time and coached many through a break up let me walk with you through some strategies that have been quite helpful with many.

FIND SOMEONE SUPPORTIVE:

At this time you surely feel lonely and need someone to talk to. There are many thoughts racing through your head and numerous questions you have. Keeping them all to yourself is a great injustice as this could be a time bomb (and your ex, definately is not the person to talk them over with!).

That is why you need somebody to open up to, to have listen to you, someone patient to listen you as you tell of your deep pains.

Getting over the pains is a process that you need to walk through with somebody that cares and is patient enough to slowly take you through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It could be a friend, a family member, a religious leader or a counselor.

Find someone and let them take care of you.

REGAINING CONTROL OF WHAT YOU ARE FOCUSING ON:

Believe me, at this point your heart is fragile, and could be easily triggered negatively. At this point therefore you need to be on a positive note, this you shall ensure by cultivating a happy calm atmosphere around you. For example by listening to happy love songs, cultivating calm and happy thoughts.

The vice versa would serve to worsen the pains.

CREATE IMAGES OF A NEW HAPPY FUTURE:

Truth be told, like the adage goes the future is always bright. I do not by any means undermine your pain, but  there is life after the break up and that you are in control of. Choosing to remain in the past will do you more harm than good as it only brings to mind the broken promises.   Think of the bright future you desire to have and paint a picture of how happy it will be and start building your way to that beautiful future.

RECEIVE CLOSURE FROM ALL UNANSWERED QUESTIONS:

For sure you have many questions you need to ask, anger that resides in you that needs to be vented out. To heal you should get it out so as to create a new platform on which to build your new life. Perhaps a very good way to do so is write a letter or an email to your Ex expressing your heartfelt feelings, its not necessary to send it to them as most probably they will never really reply or agree with you. In fact the letter’s aim is to help you get out  the anger  off your chest.

REFRAIN FROM SPENDING TIME WITH THEM:

Encountering your Ex is the least you would want to do at this time, especially when you have not fully healed. At this point avoid events where you are certain to meet them. Refrain from checking their face book updates, calling them, speaking with them and any contact with them by all means. The deference strategy comes in handy i.e. keep busy, postpone meeting them to later date till the temptations to do so ceases. This helps you to learn to move on with life without them.

CONFIGURING THE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE:

You need to find the advantages of the relationships end. Ask yourself what benefits accrue from end of the relationship. It is hard at first but believe me, everything has its positive, as they say everything happens for a reason. I am certain you will find reasons why you would stay happy after parting with your Ex. It could be that you had been going through a learning experience, or being prepared by God to be a better husband or wife or even that your Ex is not your match.

DISCOVERING WHO YOU ARE AFTER BREAK UP:

I must admit being in a relationship one may almost forget themselves as they have learnt to do things the other persons way most often. Not forgetting one is so emotionally attached to their fiancées. This is therefore an opportunity for you to rediscover who you are, your preferences, your identity, what makes you unique. Decide what it is that you would want in your future relationship go for it.

I  again say that the journey towards overcoming the past relationships is not a one time thing but it is achievable and has been done by many people who have gone on to live happy lives and build great relationships. It starts with your strong will to do so. Yes you will get over them. Start the process today.

 

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier not that the task itself has become easier but that our ability to perform it has improved.”

                                                                       –Ralph Waldo Emerson..

Who To Turn To When You Can’t Stop Crying Over Your Breakup?

The short answer is to put the phone down and back away slowly.

DO NOT call you ex!

I know that you feel as low down as humanly possible but let’s be honest, that is exactly why you want to call them. You want so badly not to feel sad anymore. You think that if you call them they will finally understand the pain you are in and they’ll say that perfect thing that you are secretly wishing they would say to make you alright again. Unfortunately, as much as I wish it were true, that’s probably not going to happen. In fact, you will probably feel worse. Not only will you feel disappointed but you may also get mad at yourself for holding out false hope, again.

When you call you ex, you are not giving yourself the chance to heal. You are continually exposing yourself to the thing causing you pain. It’s like seeing the fire and sticking your hand right into the center of it.

So, if you can’t call the one person you want to call, who can you turn to? Answer. Anyone but your ex…or anyone that may be on Team Ex.

You know, we are funny people. When we are upset, we will talked to people we know will take the information back to the ex in the hopes initiating a response. Find someone on Team You. That’s easy, right? Yes, but there are a few things to consider when choosing between friends, family, or a total stranger.

First, you’ll have to ask yourself, “What do I want or need to get out of the conversation?”.

We all have friends or family that will either tell us what we want to hear or tell us what we need to hear. Which one will be most helpful to you? Do you need to feel better immediately or will a little tough love be more helpful in the long run?

Second, consider the trustworthiness of the persons in which you would like to confide. How likely are they to share your conversations with others? Do you trust them to have your best interests at heart? Have you confided in them before and did it help? How comfortable do you feel being completely vulnerable with this person? Can you cry in front of them? This is where the decision to talk to friends and family or to a professional comes into play. People often hesitate talking to a therapist because they think it means they’re crazy. In actuality, studies into talking to a counselor or to a doctor indicate advantages are range from confidentiality to being provided logical direction on what to do when you may be thinking emotionally.*

No matter who you choose to talk to there are great benefits in doing so. Expressing how you feel to someone you trust acts as a sounding board. It prompts you to view your situation through the eyes of a compassionate other. Sometimes just hearing the words come out of your mouth and reflected on someone else’s face can help you see things more clearly. Talking it out may put things into perspective by giving you different ways of viewing your situation**. Maybe you need someone to listen to your woes then to give you a glimpse of the bright side that you may have difficulty seeing.

Just the sheer act of starting a conversation like this is often the hardest thing to do. To expose yourself emotionally and to be honest about what you think and feel to another person is a scary thing. Expressing yourself, however, and making a connection with another person does help. So, you can pick up the phone now. Call a friend and make a plan to have them come over for coffee (you don’t want to cry in public) and let it out. Oh, and give yourself a little time, it will take more than one conversation. Be honest and the fog will begin to lift. You will begin to feel better. You will smile again.

*See http://www.health.gov.au/internet/publications/publishing.nsf/Content/mental-pubs-r-recons-toc~mental-pubs-r-recons-3~mental-pubs-r-recons-38~mental-pubs-r-recons-381

**See http://www.health.gov.au/internet/publications/publishing.nsf/Content/mental-pubs-r-recons-toc~mental-pubs-r-recons-3~mental-pubs-r-recons-38~mental-pubs-r-recons-381

References

Miller, Jean B., M.D.; Stiver, Irene P., Ph.D. (1997). The Healing Connection. Boston. Beacon Press..